Back on the Dating Scene With a Bang

Since I became single again for the 125th time in my life I have of course gone down the inevitable route of online dating. You may recall my earlier blog Blind Dating and Awkward Romance as being my take on the dating scene. Well tragically I am back out there again flaunting my wares like an eager fruit and veg man selling his bananas (no pun intended.

Ok maybe there was a little pun intended, so not only am I back on all of the usual rubbish dating apps getting morally beat down and made to feel like the world is against me ever finding a date again, I am also going out on weekends spreading my wings like a proud peacock trying to impress which ever flock of women might want to pay the slightest bit of attention. It’s tough.
So, we go out to the bar, me and my wingman are in place, pint in one hand, cane in the other. He identifies the target and we take aim. Well I say we do, I’m not really sure any more what we do. I have often felt the lead has gone from my pencil and I am instead scratching with a blunt instrument desperately trying to find someone to lend me a sharpener.
Eventually someone has enough curiosity to come over and say hi, normally to figure out why I am carrying a light sabre with me and what fancy dress party I had been too. After the explanation is given and they are now educated to my rather severe sight loss, normally they tend to disappear into the darkness as they probably know I won’t be able to spot them again. Perhaps if it were a light sabre they might stay a bit longer and I could use some Jedi mind tricks on them.
It is said that to catch a girl’s attention you need to catch their eyes. There are two things wrong with this and no, not the obvious glass eye joke, not even I would go that far.
1. How do you catch someone’s eyes when you can’t see them?
2. If you somehow manage to see someone you like, how do you avoid looking like a crazy stalker with your wonky eyes trying to figure out if she has paid any attention to your advances?

It’s an impossible job and regrettable one that I fear I may be stuck in for some time at the rate I’m going. I don’t envy the girls having to put up with my insanely bad dance moves; I must look like a right idiot. Given the only time I dance is when I have had far too many beers on board. I think I have been keeping Jack Daniels in business for quite a while now. But seriously, a blind, drunk and insanely bad dancer swinging his legs and arms around like a fish out of water must be quite the sight. Thankfully no one has filmed it yet, well to my knowledge at least. It’s no wonder this proud peacock gets reduced to a KFC eating monster wobbling home through the streets of Cheltenham at 3am.

There must be an easier way around this guy seeks girl rubbish that us single men go through. Why does it have to be the guy that makes the first move? I know it’s the old fashioned way and I understand that but surely every now and then one of you lovely lasses can turn around and say, ‘Cor blimey, nice cane, can I have a go?’ Again, no pun intended. Well maybe a little bit.

It may well be easier to join the monastery and become a monk; in fact, I think that’s what I will do. It would be a lot cheaper.

That’s it for now,

Until next time

MRWG

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Blind Dating and Awkward Romance

Dating and romance, here we go, buckle up everyone, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. If you can excuse the pun there I would like to talk about the miserable world of dating. I hate it, I am not good at it and it makes me feel awkward. God I am a catch with my sweaty forehead and clammy hands. Ok, so I will take you out for a meal and you can watch me bat some peas around my plate and observe as gravy drips off my beard onto my un-ironed shirt because I was too afraid to burn my fingers. Good times indeed. Do you want me to walk you home? Tough, I can’t find my way home without you. This is just the start of the crazy world of dating that I have found myself in. It’s all well and good to pull out a chair for your lady of choosing or even opening the door for her,  but you got to find the damn thing first. So as your trying to impress her with your normal personality and charm, the inevitable problems of sight loss which you are desperately trying not to show to often all come crashing around you. The nerves jangle, the wine bottle get’s knocked over, you look silly groping around doors, you walk into the wrong toilets and you most likely trip over a step banging into the Jones’s on table four with their kids laughing at you. Great date, we should do it again sometime.

That’s it, you failed, better get back onto POF or Tinder too get rejected by every other unemployed single mum in the northern hemisphere. Ok, here we go again. I managed to lure the last one with some cheeky one liners, after a whole load of pointless pandering to each other we realise that yes, you are the one for me. So we do it all over again. Repeat stage one and fail all over again. This dating lark is tough.

If I can offer a word of advice, don’t ever do speed dating with out research first. The bars can be dark, and there is a lot of movement. Not the good kind of movement either. Check to see if there are mirrors on the wall, as good looking as you may be, you aren’t going to get anywhere by chatting up yourself in the mirror. lastly, try to be sure that the person you are talking to is indeed a of the right sexuality that you desire. It’s awful when you are chatting up someone thinking it’s a girl and then your mates come over to inform you that in fact it’s a dude with long hair and skinny jeans. These blokes should be banned. If you ask me. Its just too confusing.

So yes, I am still single. I don’t expect this post is going to help my chances of finding anyone anytime soon but hey, somethings you just have to get off your chest right? At the end of it all, I just find that online dating is very judgemental. It has turned me into a left swiper sometimes just because the girl is on there with a picture of a bloke, could be her dad for all I know. But for some reason my brain is going into overload and my finger just can’t stop but swipe left and say know. That’s another potential love match gone. Ah well, there’s only another three billion or so women left on the planet to get rejected by. But there is someone for everyone so she has to be out there somewhere right? If you see her can you let her know I am waiting. Chances are I will end up living with 52 cats in a bungalow crying into a pillow.

That’s it for now

 Just to clarify this is not a rant at anyone in particular, it is merely Real Life Humour.

MRWG

Blind Dating and Awkward Romance